Four Things about Seminars
I have valuable advice for you about seminars. It is of limited value, because it is about seminars and not about sex or money, but it is, nonetheless, valuable. Relatively speaking. Anyway.
1. Arrive early. There are several reasons for wanting to arrive early, but chief among them is that you want to secure a seat as near to the back of the room as possible. This may require you to arrive as much as 15 or even 20 minutes early. I know, I know. It's bad enough to spend an entire day at a seminar on Judgment Enforcement Techniques (or what have you), and now I'm suggesting that you extend the torment by an additional quarter hour? Yes. Yes, I am. And here's why. You do not, under any circumstances, want to be in the front row, within easy eye-contact range of the presenter, who, believe me, does not want to be there any more than you do, only he's getting paid for it, so fuck him. He is not your friend, though he may pretend to be as he looks out among the crowd looking for someone, anyone, to make eye-contact with, to engage in Socratic dialogue with. Don't let it be you. Just trust me on this.
Also important (though less important)is the need to familiarize yourself with the amenities. I'm talking about coffee urns and water pitchers here. There are variations, and it's good to experiment before the room starts to fill up. Does the lid unscrew or does it flip up? Maybe you don't need to do anything at all with the lid. Maybe you can just start pouring. But watch out for the ice cubes! If you're going to spill liquid on your lap, it's best to do it in a relatively empty room and then get that lap under the table quickly before anyone is there to wonder about the wet spot.
One more thing about water pitchers: Don't sit next to one. Pour your water and then return to your seat, away from the pitcher. Let some other sucker be the one that has to "pass the water."
2. Don't be bashful about the candy. Take as much as you can hold. Fill your pockets if you can. It's free, and they will replenish the candy dish during lunch. Also, feel free to sit next a candy dish. What's the worse that could happen?
3. Don't die. This is good advice generally, but especially with respect to seminars. What could be more embarrassing than slumping over dead on a banquet table in the "Dallas" room at the Sheraton in West Des Moines during a Judgment Enforcement Seminar? Before you answer, consider that you will probably wet yourself and release your bowels in the process, and that this is how you will be remembered by a roomful of people who don't even know you. You don't want to be the subject of that story.
4. Wear a watch, if you have one. Look, you're going to want to know what time it is, right? Even though the awareness of the passage of time will make it seem to pass even more slowly. There's no getting around this. Seminar-time is slower than real-time, and there are no reference points to mark its passage. Was that 50 minutes, or 15? There's no way to tell without looking at some objective time-keeping device. And you're more likely to find a clock on the wall of a casino than at a seminar. Forget about it. Sure, you could always check your cellphone, but his only draws attention to yourself, especially if you, like me, have a cellphone that needs to be opened in order to see the display. And anyway, you were told before the seminar began to turn off your cellphone. Now you're looking at it? Too conspicuous! Just wear your watch. You probably have one in a drawer somewhere.
I have valuable advice for you about seminars. It is of limited value, because it is about seminars and not about sex or money, but it is, nonetheless, valuable. Relatively speaking. Anyway.
1. Arrive early. There are several reasons for wanting to arrive early, but chief among them is that you want to secure a seat as near to the back of the room as possible. This may require you to arrive as much as 15 or even 20 minutes early. I know, I know. It's bad enough to spend an entire day at a seminar on Judgment Enforcement Techniques (or what have you), and now I'm suggesting that you extend the torment by an additional quarter hour? Yes. Yes, I am. And here's why. You do not, under any circumstances, want to be in the front row, within easy eye-contact range of the presenter, who, believe me, does not want to be there any more than you do, only he's getting paid for it, so fuck him. He is not your friend, though he may pretend to be as he looks out among the crowd looking for someone, anyone, to make eye-contact with, to engage in Socratic dialogue with. Don't let it be you. Just trust me on this.
Also important (though less important)is the need to familiarize yourself with the amenities. I'm talking about coffee urns and water pitchers here. There are variations, and it's good to experiment before the room starts to fill up. Does the lid unscrew or does it flip up? Maybe you don't need to do anything at all with the lid. Maybe you can just start pouring. But watch out for the ice cubes! If you're going to spill liquid on your lap, it's best to do it in a relatively empty room and then get that lap under the table quickly before anyone is there to wonder about the wet spot.
One more thing about water pitchers: Don't sit next to one. Pour your water and then return to your seat, away from the pitcher. Let some other sucker be the one that has to "pass the water."
2. Don't be bashful about the candy. Take as much as you can hold. Fill your pockets if you can. It's free, and they will replenish the candy dish during lunch. Also, feel free to sit next a candy dish. What's the worse that could happen?
3. Don't die. This is good advice generally, but especially with respect to seminars. What could be more embarrassing than slumping over dead on a banquet table in the "Dallas" room at the Sheraton in West Des Moines during a Judgment Enforcement Seminar? Before you answer, consider that you will probably wet yourself and release your bowels in the process, and that this is how you will be remembered by a roomful of people who don't even know you. You don't want to be the subject of that story.
4. Wear a watch, if you have one. Look, you're going to want to know what time it is, right? Even though the awareness of the passage of time will make it seem to pass even more slowly. There's no getting around this. Seminar-time is slower than real-time, and there are no reference points to mark its passage. Was that 50 minutes, or 15? There's no way to tell without looking at some objective time-keeping device. And you're more likely to find a clock on the wall of a casino than at a seminar. Forget about it. Sure, you could always check your cellphone, but his only draws attention to yourself, especially if you, like me, have a cellphone that needs to be opened in order to see the display. And anyway, you were told before the seminar began to turn off your cellphone. Now you're looking at it? Too conspicuous! Just wear your watch. You probably have one in a drawer somewhere.
posted by Unknown at 12:35 PM
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